Today, I’m writing about things that are deeply personal in nature. It scares the crap out of me, but I feel that I need to share this experience. I ask that if you choose to comment please do so respectfully.
Health has become a huge issue at our house over recent years, I touched on some of it with my kicking the brain fog but there’s still more to the story. It all started 5 years ago when the hubster came to me and told me he felt the need to go back for a graduate degree. I was all over that. I knew his goal was to own a theater someday (he’s a music dance theater grad) so I knew this would really help him.
I wrote most of that story in my living on $13,000 or less series, what I left out was how it impacted my health. (Funnily enough it was the impact on my health that led me to write what I learned-so no one else would have to go through it!) By the end of grad school I was a burnt out wreck. I was unbelievably tired, getting out of bed was a feat all its own, my head was so fuzzy I couldn’t edit or analyze my writing. I had to get dinner ready by 5:00 or it wouldn’t happen at all, because by then I was so tired and nauseous I’d have to lay down on the couch and rest. Sitting at the table, let alone making a meal if it was still needed was too much for me.
Being religious we prayed and I asked the hubster to administer priesthood blessings (LDS practice) on multiple occasions. The only answer I got was that this would be for my learning or understanding. After 8 months or more I was fed up with Heavenly Father and told him so,
‘I think I’ve got whatever the heck it is you want me to get thank you very much!’
During that same time I went to the Dr. but all he did was take tests. After 6 months he said, go try a fibromyalgia specialist, I don’t think you have it but they may have answers for you. I decided to turn to google instead. After a little while I tailored my own diet and listened to any little thoughts that might have been the spirit whispering to me. 3 months of staying on a strict diet, and meditation, and running and I was healed.
After 2 months of the most glorious health I’ve ever had, I realized my son had autism and I spiraled down, down, down, down, down.
Never quite to the point of being nauseous on the couch by 5:00 every night (I will NEVER allow myself to go back to that), but my foggy head was back and this time I didn’t care.
I put everything into researching for my son. If I can figure out how to get myself out of an autoimmune disease I most certainly am going to find a way for him to overcome autism. I don’t care how many Dr.’s say it’s impossible, I’m not listening to a bunch of guys with no answers. They didn’t have an answer for me either, that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. So we’re going to work like crazy so this guy can grow up and eventually live on his own.
While it’s been hard, it has been doable. I’ve learned a ton, even why my made up diet and lifestyle healed my auto-immune disease. The tricky part has been how to implement it for my son, since he can’t give me the feedback I need. Then 2 months ago the kiddos and I came down with a cold, which lingered and lingered and lingered. Seriously cold’s only last 2 weeks right? Not more than a month!
I started to get frustrated that I still hadn’t kicked my health issues this second time around or found better answers on how to help it work for autism. So I asked for a blessing and I was told I was to learn about the atonement. I kinda rolled my eyes and thought, really? I believe in the atonement I know Christ can save me. I know that I’ll rise again. This is one area I know I’m good in.
A week later, I was still struggling so I asked again, and I was told to learn more about the strength of the atonement. This time instead of being mad at heavenly father for not taking the illness away I decided to go read about the atonement. The hubster had a really good book called, Believing Christ. I’ve only read the beginning, where it doesn’t talk about believing in Christ, knowing his history and who he was, but in believing what Christ has said.
Do I believe that Christ can save me? Personally? Or have I sinned too much? Do I think my situation is too hard for him to help with? It was an interesting thought, do I believe what Christ has told me, or am I in essence calling him a liar?
A few days later I was just overwhelmed with all the things I had to do, my energy levels, still trying to make this crazy diet kid friendly, not being able to write regularly, not staying on top of therapy for my son, basically, feeling inadequate in every possible way.
I remember silently questioning,
‘Why? Why does it have to be soo hard. I can’t do this anymore, it’s just too hard.’
Then I heard that still small voice, penetrating at a level I’ve never felt before, say 2 words.
Not ‘he did’, or ‘Christ did’
Then I had a stream of images come to my mind. Imagres of our Savior’s last week on earth. His triumphal entry into Jerusalem. Having to deal with fame, with unstable living arrangements, betrayal, friends not holding up on their end, physical ailments no other could endure, losing loved ones to death-his own, false accusations, causing a mother’s pain, loneliness and possibly depression. All culminating in his willingness to give his life for those he loved.
I realized that I was being handed a resume. The most outrageously overqualified resume ever built. Here was a man who will get things done, who knows how to counsel and run a team, and he was being underused.
I realized there was so much more to the atonement then life after death, although that is definitely huge. I realized I’ve been trying to do everything myself, not because I was worried about my salvation, but because I didn’t see another way to get stuff done.
Then I heard 3 more words.
‘I got this.’
I felt all those worries and doubts leave. I knew I had a new partner upon whom I could rely and he was taking some of my work over and it was going to get done. I had no doubt that it would.
So I bear witness to you today that our Savior lives, that Jesus is the Christ, and that the atonement is far more than just our being raised again at the last day. It is about the journey. Christ’s life on earth was also his time to prove himself. To prove he has the skill set we need a partner to have. All he asks is that we turn to him and allow him to use those skills on our behalf. He knows you by name, He loves you and He wants to help you-today.
So when life just gets too hard, remember you are not alone. There is always one that you can rely on, and he wants to help you. He has the most amazing record for getting it done. I mean, He gave His life! There’s not much more that can be asked and yet He did it. If you have an impossible task in your life, delegate it to your Savior. He will get you started, and help you find the hidden steps along the way. It may not feel like the safest bridge crossing in your life, but the view will be spectacular and the ending oh so worth it.
He’s got this.